tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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