I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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