12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
