Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
