Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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