I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
