ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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