I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
