So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
