is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
