youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
