If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
