I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
