I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
