it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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