i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
