bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
