You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
