so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
