According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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