Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
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It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
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We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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