last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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