just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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