Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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