That's intense
Your dad touched me again.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Randomize
