ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
