if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
