I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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