plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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