I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
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We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
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No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
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