I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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