I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Randomize
