carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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