I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Randomize
