I wanna bring you to show and tell
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
