i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
