You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
