The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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