Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
