i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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