one word: firstdatebathroomanal
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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