I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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