If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
