Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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