Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
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