I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
