Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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