I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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