I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
