Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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