I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
