3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
