Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
i think im in europe. pls send help
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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