So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
