JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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