Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Randomize
