know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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