she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
