I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
